Rose and the Wrong Lover
by Laying Low Lady
Summary: AU story. One summer when she's 11 years old Rose begins getting very close with her twenty year old summer swim camp counselor: Jackson, who is the only counselor who gives her attention. The two begin getting very closer, and one day the unlikely pair begin to sleep together and become a loving couple in secret... or so it seems to Rose.
1. Chapter 1

_*The following is an alternate universe story. Don't try to fit it into the continuity of the show or ask where certain characters are._

* * *

My name is Rose Harbenberger. And my story begins when I was eleven years old. My early childhood from before I turned eleven was more or less just fine. Pretty much just raised by my mom, and often at times my uncle too when he could come visit. Like most girls, I played with dolls at a young age, and even though I didn't grow up with married parents around, I still imagined what it be like to fall in love and get married myself. I wished so often that my perfect man would come. And then one day, a: _man_ lets say, came into my life.

During the summer I was eleven years old, I was enrolled in a swimming camp. It was mostly a few organized activities in the morning, and then free swim in the pool and hanging out on picnic tables the rest of the day. The morning activities were fine, but I didn't really know anybody at this camp. So in the afternoon, I would just regularly sun bathe while wearing my new blue bikini and read a book. And then came the day... the man who changed my life, entered the picture. This young adult male counselor named Jackson walked by me and saw I was reading a silly comic book. He told me that he had read the book himself and began to ask me what my favorite part of the book was. He sat next to me and a conversation began.

Me and Jackson first began talking back and forth about our favorite part of the comic book I was reading. Then we started talking about other books, then funny jokes, and... well everything is kind of a blur now, but all I remember was our conversation went on for about five hours and I barely realized it until it was time for camp to be over. What I do remember is Jackson said a lot of funny things, and was just amazing to listen to. His amount of knowledge of worldly things, his witty remarks, and his details to things was astounding. But I think what drew me in the most to him was he was paying attention to me. It only dawned on me until after I left camp that day was: no one in my entire life had ever given me so much one on one attention before in just the span of one day.

The next day as the afternoon began, Jackson met me at the same spot we had talked yesterday. We began to talk again, but about halfway through the afternoon, this time Jackson asked me if I wanted to play in the water with him. I looked out at the water and said how how no one was in the water and it be boring. No one was in the water by the way because after about 3pm at camp, most campers got bored or tired of swimming anyway and just hung out on the picnic tables. And no counselors were in the water because... well honestly except for the two adults that led games in the morning, all the camp counselors just sat on their chairs and looked at their phones all day. And on a side note: sometimes I wonder if parents don't realize they're paying a bunch of adults to just be completely negligent of the lives of their children... or if all adults period just don't care about the well being of children.

Well anyway, the point is there was nobody in the water. But Jackson told me we could find a way to make it fun. And so he threw a whole bunch of pennies into the water and said we could race to see who could swim down and get the most. And immediately, we dove in and I was having the time of my life. I'll give Jackson this, he certainly did create a fun challenge as I dove down in waters between four to ten feet to retrieve the pennies. And the empowering thing for me was as we began to repeat our rounds of penny diving, I was actually start to beat Jackson. But then Jackson began to show he was holding back, and began to swim faster as he retrieved the pennies from the pool floor.

So in an attempt to slow Jackson down, I actually started pulling on Jackson's legs. It was innocent enough. Then I began pulling on his upper leg. And then at one point in the heat of competition, I pulled on Jackson's swimsuit to slow him down... hard. And then through the lens of my pool goggles, for the first time... I saw a man's butt. I saw all of Jackson's firm bottom. Obviously in just a second, Jackson pulled up his swimsuit and I didn't see anything else. I then went straight back to what we were doing and kept diving for pennies. But after camp that night, the image of Jackson's butt just wouldn't get erased from my mind. I began to wonder if I could pull that move off again. I began to wonder if I could see the nude backside of Jackson again, and then began to wonder... if it was possible if I could see the nude front-side of Jackson as well.

The next day of camp started off like the previous one. Activities in the morning, chatting with Jackson for a bit on the beach chairs, and then we began to dive and swim for pennies in the pool again. I started to innocently grab Jackson's legs again to slow him down. And then I got bold and grabbed on his swimsuit just like last time, and again saw those forbidden butt cheeks. Jackson immediately pulled up his swimsuit, but this time he grabbed one of _my_ legs to slow me down. Our heads were now above water as I playfully told him how he couldn't stop me. I swam away from Jackson but I'll admit that I did like the feeling of Jackson grabbing my legs, and the fantasy of him pulling at my swimsuit like I pulled at his immediately popped into my head.

Well in reality, I swam quicker than ever and grabbed more pennies than ever for this round of our little game. I held the pennies above the water in my hand as I gleefully and boastfully proclaimed the pennies were all mine. Then Jackson playfully dove towards me and said how those pennies would be his. Well in order to keep the pennies from Jackson's hands, I clasped my hands together and had them go down in the water near the top of my legs. Jackson reached out and grabbed my hands trying to open them. We both giggled as we did this, as this was all just silly fun. But then in the midst of our hands moving around a bit... somehow... I don't know to this day if it was deliberate or accidental... I'd still like to think it was 100% accidental... Jackson's hands pushed against the skin below my stomach and went underneath my bikini bottom and brushed against my vagina.

It was just a second, but the sensation made me freeze. Never before had I ever felt a human being touch my most private region before. And the honest truth is, despite the fact that Jackson's fingers moved against my vagina for just a second... it did actually caused a serious pleasurable sensation to be felt across my body. Well after the longest second ever stopped, Jackson immediately moved his hands up and said he was sorry. I however felt myself blushing as with a big smile told him it was okay. I mean my body was still surging with good feelings from that one second touch of pleasure. All I _could_ do was smile.

Well the day ended with no further action, except my dreams of it going further. The next day, events repeated again like the previous. Camp games, me and Jackson talked first, and then we dove for pennies in the water. Again, I grabbed Jackson's legs, and then his bathing suit, exposing his butt for just a second. And again, I got a whole bunch of pennies in my hand. Although Jackson wasn't swimming as fast today, so maybe he _wanted_ me to get more this time. But regardless, again I held the pennies up and practically goaded Jackson into trying to take them from me. I brought the pennies under water in my hand and brought them right in front of my bikini bottom. Jackson again tried to grab the pennies from my hand. But this time his right hand slipped and two of his fingers brushed right into the bottom of my bikini bottom, and then... pushed up. Jackson's two fingers were pushing themselves into my vagina. Jackson, my summer camp counselor, was fingering me.

A even bigger wave of pleasure wiped over me in that second, as even more insane fantasies involving me and Jackson began to quickly flood into my head. Jackson then immediately pulled his hand out and acted like it was a pure accident and said he was sorry. And then... I did the craziest and boldest thing I ever did in my life. I dove my hand into Jackson's swimsuit, and grabbed his penis, as I smiled and told him it was all right. And in that moment, I was suddenly a brand new person. Never before that moment did I think I'd be brave enough to just grab a man's penis, out in public no less. I knew what a man's private member looked like via health class (which is how I knew where to aim), but nothing could've prepared me for the warm and smooth texture I felt. It felt so powerful, so inviting, and so alluring. I only kept my hand there for two seconds though and then I pulled out. Jackson smiled at me for a few seconds, and then looked around a bit. Probably checking to see if anybody spotted what we did. I knew we were safe though. The pool didn't have underwater cameras, it's hard to see what's happening under water from a distance, and even if it wasn't: all of the other stupid camp counselors had just been looking at their phones the whole time like they always did.

Me and Jackson then got out of the water and didn't talk to each other. But we did look at each other from afar and made lots of smiles at each other. Near the end of the camp day (which was a Friday by the way), Jackson approached me with a small piece of paper. He quickly put it inside my bag and said it was his address and that I could visit him around one in the afternoon tomorrow. He said nothing else and walked away. I took the paper home and immediately looked up his address. He lived a short walk from my house. And since my mom foolishly didn't keep track of where I hung out during the weekends as long as I made it home before dark, I knew I had a perfect situation for myself.

The next afternoon I went to the address Jackson had given me. It was a small place, but the location of the house didn't matter. Jackson answered the door wearing just sweat pants and a t-shirt and let me in. Jackson then asked if I wanted to watch TV with him, and then said how his only working TV was in his bedroom. At this point, I knew Jackson was probably lying but I didn't care. We then sat on his bed and began to watch a movie. But to this day, I still cannot remember what the movie was, because all I could do was look at Jackson. We began to talk about random stuff. And then at one point Jackson told me he was glad I came over because I was so beautiful. The compliment made my heart feel warmer than it ever felt before. No man had ever called me beautiful before. It made me blush, cross my legs, thank Jackson, and... scoot closer over to him.

And then... we didn't say any other words for the next minute... because our faces moved towards one another... and we kissed. We wrapped our arms around one another and like seriously made out. A part of me during that whole kiss knew this was wrong. I was eleven. He was like twenty. We would both be in so much trouble if we were caught. But I didn't care. I was now completely in love with Jackson. I wanted to give him everything and anything he wanted. My soul felt like it was flying above the clouds. And so I took off all of my clothes. My shirt, pants, socks, and underwear. And so did Jackson. And we didn't do any foreplay. Me and Jackson went immediately for the grand moment. I lay on Jackson's bed naked as Jackson hovered over me and then... went straight for it and shoved his penis into my vagina. I'll admit it hurt at first. And yeah, it felt like barely any of his penis could fit into me. I felt so much pain in the beginning that I wanted to beg Jackson to stop. But Jackson was already moaning sounds of pleasure. He was enjoying this, and I wanted to give my man exactly what he wanted. So I let Jackson continue to push on.

Eventually Jackson was able to shove more of his penis into me with each thrust he made into my young nude body. I felt a little crushed by the weight of Jackson's adult figure moving against my smaller petite form, but I began to not mind at all as the intense pleasurable sensations of sexual intercourse finally kicked in. I thought I knew what pleasure was before but what I was feeling now blew everything in the past away. My heart felt warmer than ever and my soul was completely content. I had achieved the rank of girl who was living happily ever after. And despite this being my first time, somehow through my moans I began to make, Jackson was able to tell when I was going to orgasm, and he seemed to be timing his to mine. And then we actually orgasmed right around the same moment. There was a lot of shaking, a lot of moaning, and a lot grabbing the other tightly. The climatic moment was like the most intense feeling ever that went beyond imagination. Once it was over, me and Jackson cuddled in bed. Jackson soon after fell asleep, but I remained in the bed with him holding him in my arms. I had finally found my true love, and was finally living happily ever after. And I truly believed nothing could go wrong now...

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	2. Chapter 2

I was completely naked as I began taking a shower in the strange bathroom of a strange home. It had been exactly a week since the day I lost my virginity and I smiled as I thought back on that memory as I continued to take my shower. Standing in warm water was always where I did my best thinking, and doing it in the confines of a strange new area seemed to only intensify the neurons in my brain. After I had sex with Jackson, it was all I could think about it with every waking moment of my soul. My heart I knew was beating faster than normal, and the smile and positive attitude on my face was something that would just not go away. My mother was pleased to see me in such high spirits, but had no idea as to why. I continued going to swim camp the next week. I was very excited about going every day because me and Jackson had begun our _special_ relationship the second week of camp, and there was still eight more weeks to go. The two of us continued to talk every day, and even continued our swimming for pennies game. Although there was no more grabbing the others' legs or swimsuits or feeling each other up. After what we had done in Jackson's bed, nothing could top that in the pool. Although one time and one time only under the water, Jackson did sneak his hand under the back of my bikini bottom and squeezed my butt. That felt really nice. From day one we were back at camp though, Jackson told me I could come over to his house every Saturday, but to keep quiet about what we had done there, saying it was our special secret. I totally committed to what he asked me to do, because I was so in love with him.

So the next Saturday, I was a bit sweaty coming in since it was really hot outside. So Jackson said I could take a shower in his bathroom. It was strange going in. I had obviously been in other showers in my life, but outside of the showers of relatives' homes and hotels, I had never taken a shower in a strange new place before. But it felt exciting. Like, very exciting. Within a few minutes though, Jackson came in naked. He stepped in like it was a romantic surprise, but I obviously saw this coming. I wanted him, and he wanted me. And since it had been a long week of anticipation, we got right to the main event. Jackson then picked me up in his arms and wrapped his hands around my butt while I wrapped my legs around his torso. We wrapped both of our arms around each other and then we made love. Jackson shoved his penis into my vagina and we had some intense shower sex. I had done a ton of stretches in the days leading up to this. I was determined to make Jackson's penis fitting into my vagina go much smoother this time. And even though it started rough, it did go better second time around.

And even though the first time would always be the most special to me, I'll admit this second go was a lot more pleasurable. Maybe because I was feeling more sensations because of water hitting my body, and Jackson pushing my back against the wall, but I was so enjoying this more than my first time. And what was awesome was, the fun was longer this time around. After Jackson orgasmed into me, he let me down, and we got dried up. Then we went into his bed room and did it again. He was on top again and within minutes, his penis was hard once again and throbbing deep in my body. There was a lot more hands exploring each other this time, and it just feel more intimate than ever. After the second session of sex though, Jackson got tired again and fell asleep. I stayed with him though, stroking his hair for like two hours because I just loved feeling his body against mine.

And this continued for several more weeks. Me and Jackson would talk and almost barely flirt at camp, and then every Saturday I would go to his house for sex. The third week we were in his bed again and he let me get on top this time. He taught me how to ride him like a cow girl, and grabbed my butt so tight as he did. It was strange not having his body push hard against mine, as my body was now feeling a bit colder without having body heat pushed against it while making love. But man, were my pleasure meters being pushed to the max. The fourth week we did it on his couch. The fifth week we tried it in his closet. It was actually pretty intense, getting lost in the darkness of clothes around us as Jackson pounded his member into me harder than ever.

The sixth time we did it in his hot tub. We did what I guess could be considered foreplay this time around as Jackson had me sit where the hot tub jets shot right in my vagina which really turned me on. The seventh time, Jackson had me experience what it was like to have a man's penis in my butt for the first time. I'll admit it was weird, but I was indeed turned on the whole time. The eight time I began to learn more about sexual positions as we made loved and orgasmed a total of four times in one day. The ninth time we did it in his kitchen, with me sitting on the counter as he pumped his member into me.

Well our ninth time was the day after camp ended. Jackson told me I could still come to his house next Saturday, and I was very excited upon hearing this. I thought this meant me and Jackson would keep having sex for the whole year now. But upon us making love for the tenth time in his bed, Jackson told me he was going back to college soon (which was far away). I immediately felt bad and then Jackson told me all this mushy stuff about how I was beautiful and I was the best girl any man in the world could have sex with. We had sex three times in different positions, and then Jackson fell asleep _again_. After reaming in his arms for awhile, I kissed him good night, left him a piece of paper with my number on it, and left.

For the entire school year that followed, I was in high spirits and just happy all the time. I had a secret grown up boyfriend who loved me, and I was counting down the days to when we would have sex again. I had my mom sign me up for swim camp again as soon as possible. Jackson didn't call me throughout the school year, but I guessed it was because he lost my number or he was afraid of people finding out about us. Well spending time away from Jackson didn't hurt my imagination, and I constantly had fantasies of us making love in new ways, and eventually getting married and having kids.

Well a new summer of swim camp began and I was surprised to find there was no Jackson. I went through the first day miserable and wondered what had happened. Eventually on day two, I took a risk and asked one of the returning counselors what happened to Jackson. And then that counselor said the words that destroyed the last bit of innocence I had. I still remember the exact words to this say, when that counselor told me, "Eh, he's probably not coming back. Word on Facebook is he got married." Those words shattered me. Jackson got married... to somebody else. I was not a social media user, but that night I very quickly figured out how to use Facebook and was able to discover Jackson on that website. And there he was. I found Jackson's profile picture of himself in a church kissing and marrying some woman around his age. And the date the picture was posted online... was less than two months after the last time I had sex with him. Which meant... he must've been engaged all those times we had sex. I had lost my virginity to a man who was already engaged to another woman.

Needless to say, I was crushed. I was able to fake being sick for a whole week and stayed home from camp. Somehow I convinced my mom I was sick, and maybe it was because I really _did_ have all the symptoms. Pale face, loss of appetite, barely able to move, and grogginess in my voice. I lay around for a week feeling only sadness. There were no complex thoughts that went through my mind. No higher level thinking whatsoever. My mind was just lost in a sea of pure sadness. It was all I could feel. Nothing but sadness.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Chapter 3

They say the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Well that wasn't what I experienced when I learned I lost my virginity to a man who was engaged to somebody else. Oh, I experienced depression and acceptance. Just first instead of last. What happened after all that though was something different than what the books say happen to someone in grief. So for a brief time, I thought: well if I can't live happily ever after with Jackson, then I'm not gonna live happily ever after at all. But I eventually let go of that thought. I was a determined young woman. If I wanted something, then I would have to take it.

On my thirteenth birthday, I decided I was ready to love again. I then went with a friend of mine to a high school party. It wasn't a school party though so I wore very _revealing_ clothing. Hey, I was aware I had a hot alluring body. You can't get a man if you don't give him bait was the thought I had. So at that party I met David. He was a guy who had just recently graduated from high school. Again, another guy older. But he seemed different. We started chatting about high school, and he started opening up about how high school had been rough. I was only talking with him at first to get the lowdown on what high school would be really like but I found myself drawn to his sadness. He had been hurt by some rough experiences. I had too. The thought I began to develop in my head was that we were like soul mates; two souls that are tortured but can heal one another. Our talk turned into a walk outside. Our walk involved stopping on a park bench. Our stop involved kissing. Our kiss resulted in a trip to his house. Our trip resulted in our kiss continuing in his bedroom. Our kiss in his bedroom led to our clothes coming off. Our clothes coming off led to sex. A full night of sex. I had never stayed up so late in my life, I didn't believe my brain could function that long. But I remembered enjoying every minute of it as it happened. It finally felt complete again. I thought me and David would be a couple from that point on. But when I called him two days later, he said he was going to college and that there was no way he was going to date a thirteen year old. I was crushed again. I felt like an idiot again.

The next guy was the assistant coach at the place where I did gymnastics at after school. His name was Will. I had always stayed late to get extra practice at the gym I went to, and since Will wound up doing a lot of the dirty clean up work for the other coaches, we had always had a bit of time to chat and do small talk. Well, needless to say, a gymnastics leotard does not hide a girls' figure. And I had caught Will checking out my body a few times when he thought I couldn't notice. Well one day Will seemed upset and I asked him what was wrong. He told me his girlfriend broke up with him. I then told him about David and how he rejected me. Will seemed so lost and hurt. I wanted him to feel loved the way I wanted to feel love. So I kissed him. Well I then boldly told Will that I be in the showers if he wanted to keep talking. And indeed, he followed me to the showers. But we didn't talk. We had sex. Right there in the shower. For about thirty minutes with him pushing his penis into me with my back against the wall, and then against the ground. This time around, I felt like I had created a real bond with someone. A bond that was real. So real... and I never saw Will again. A week later I learned Will had been fired. Or more like, his employment had been terminated by default since he had been arrested and was probably going to be in jail for a long time. Why had that happened was my first question to someone at the gym. The answer was... it had been discovered he was having sex with _another_ thirteen year old female student. I wasn't the only young lady he had been having sex with in the gym. I quit taking lessons at the gym and never went back there again.

I didn't tell anyone about having sex with Jackson, David, or Will. For Jackson, I thought: screw it, if he cheated on his wife before he got married, he'll do it again and get caught eventually. For David, I figured he's a jerk that could never get a girl to go steady with him, so he'll live alone and unhappy. For Will... I was afraid admitting I had sex with him would get me in trouble too. And he was already in jail anyway now. There was nothing else that could be done to make his life worse. And... I knew I was kind of guilty too. I had wanted to have sex with all three of those guys. I wasn't thinking clearly. I went into each situation not completely certain of what I was getting into. I created my own grief. So I had to make sure I didn't get into another sexual relationship that resulted in that level of grief.

And then... I got into ten more sexual relationships that resulted in the same level of grief. I had sex ten more times, each time with an older male, and each time resulted in some form of rejection and heart break. I wish I could say all ten relationships blended together in my memories. I wish I could say I forgot a few of the guys I had sex with. But I can't. I remember each and every one one of the men I had sex with; from their names, to where we did it, to how it felt, to how the rejection scenario went each time it happened. And it all happened within one year. It was like, I was going through a monthly cycle. Meet guy at different place, make a connection, have sex, get rejected, and then after about a week or two: feel like I've made some new breakthrough on what life and love really is, and then repeat the cycle again.

Well the cycle broke after relationship number thirteen went south. For a short time I thought I was pregnant. And I like really freaked out. I thought I had been careful. I had timed all the situations where I had sex around the time in my period cycle where I was least likely to get pregnant. Although come to think of it, the fact that I always found a new man to have sex with around the same point each time I was in my period cycle, I guess points to raging teenage hormones confusing my brain. Maybe. I don't know. But I got off track. Yeah, I thought I was pregnant. And the guy I had sex with... I had no idea where he was or how to contact him. Yeah, real important lesson I learned there. Never sleep with a guy who isn't willing to divulge his contact info. Well I think it was just panic speaking to me more than symptoms. But yeah. I took a test, had my period again, and I realized I wasn't pregnant.

But yeah, that quick moment left me hiding in the dark corner of my room for awhile (no, literally, I was hiding in an actual dark corner of my room). I did not want to become like my mom, and raise a kid without a father. I promised myself on that day, no more chances. No more maybes or hopes or dreams. The next guy I would have sex with, I would be absolutely, positively, 100% sure was the right guy. And I was certain that even though it would take more than a month to find him, it wouldn't take forever. I mean finding the right person doesn't take forever, right? Right?

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Chapter 4

For the next several years, I had zero relationships with any men. No sex, no kissing, no dating, not even hand holding. I had realized in retrospect as I started to get older that I was so desperate to feel loved by a man, that I was willing to believe in my hopes for what each man I had sex with could be; so desperate that I ignored the obvious warning signs. I had been an idiot in each and every time I gave my body to a man. But I would not let that happen again. Rather than just waste my time thinking about guys, I decided to channel all my energy into my school work. And within a year, my grades shot up through the roof. And I quickly learned, if there's something teachers are impressed by more than a person who has always had straight A's, it's someone who barely had any A's and now had nothing but the first letter of the alphabet on everything they did. Folks love an under-dog story basically. And that made me the principal's favorite student; which through a domino effect got me a college scholarship and a sweet job internship.

I graduated from college in under four years. Despite spending a few months unemployed (yes, a college diploma does not automatically entitle you to a job), I eventually found a nice job with benefits and all that good stuff. I had made it. I was twenty two years old and living the successful life... and yet I felt empty inside. As cliche as it sounds, I began to wonder: what's the point in having it all if you've got no one to share it with? Maybe, the problem was living in my own little condo. Living at home with my mom, and then living in a college dorm room with room-mates makes your feel less lonely. But going to bed every night with no one to say good-night to... it can really screw with your brain. I was feeling lonely. I wanted a man. But there was no men I immediately worked with at my job, and I couldn't afford to go out on the town or have fancy dinners or something like that because I had to pay off a bunch of loans. Not for college mind you, but to pay off my car and first couple months of rent for where I was living. Being a college graduate doesn't mean you get free money or free necessities, you know?

So going back a bit, yeah. I was alone every night and feeling lonely. And what do people that are lonely first think about? Times they weren't lonely. And I began to thinking back a lot to the thirteen guys I had sex with. And despite hating how all those situations went down, I wished I could've redone _how_ those scenarios went down. I wanted to be young again and lose my virginity the right way. Then I began having this recurring dream. This dream where I was eleven again, but this time I met another eleven year old guy at the pool. We would innocently accidentally see each other naked, and he'd tell me I was beautiful. Then we would hide in a locker not trying to get caught by the life guards for some stupid reason, and hide in a cramped space, which would cause his penis to accidentally enter my vagina, and the fun sex would go on from there. It was a perfect fantasy. I had it constantly for weeks... until I finally wrote it down.

But once I wrote that fantasy down, suddenly others came into my brain. Tons and tons of fantasies, each involving myself or someone like myself losing her virginity at a young age, but in a more pleasant and pleasing way. The fantasies poured out like a waterfall. Not all at once mind you, but on a consistent basis. And of course, to remind myself what the young female form looks like when writing my stories of young ladies losing their virginity, I may or may not have started to sneak peaks at pictures of attractive young ladies... with some of these ladies maybe being nude. But the thing about looking at these attractive young ladies was... I didn't just think about what it was like to be with them. I started to imagine... being _with_ them. Because I began to figure: men are just really rough creatures. I began to wonder what it would've been like if I lost my virginity to a woman. So I also began to fantasize and pleasure myself to images of attractive females... like a lot.

I then began to spend a lot of time at home pleasuring myself to the world of fantasies and attractive pictures. As much fun as it was, guilt and sadness always eventually hit me. So after talking to a friend and therapist, I began thinking of what I wanted from a real relationship. Like I was asked what kind of activities and specific sexual things I wanted to do in a real relationship. And I had no answer. Because my mind had focused too much on a made up world, than the real one. Then I began thinking more when my grandmother died. Basically she did a whole bunch of regret complaining in her final days, and it made me think even harder than I already have been. You know, not wanting to have so many regrets at the end of my life, but also try to work out my past and feelings out so I have less regrets in the future.

The first realization I came to is... even though I chose to have sex with a bunch of older guys when I was younger, they were still men. I was younger, naive, and didn't fully get what I was doing. I was taken advantage of. And in retrospect, maybe this is wrong, but I feel like if I told them to stop, they wouldn't have. They were already having sex with an underage girl. Pushing me into it if I had said no would've been one just one more crime to the long list they must've already had. I think the fact that I said yes just made it easier for them. In a sense, I now see I was just a few steps shy of essentially being raped. What those men did were wrong, and I need to stop blaming myself for everything that happened.

I do however still blame myself partially. I really wanted to feel loved. But at that point in my life, I thought love was just giving your partner everything and anything they wanted. I thought each time I had sex: "well if I just do EVERYTHING this guy wants from me, then eventually things will work out". They never did. When I was first looking for a job, some good advice I was given was: if you want to find a great job, don't just look for a job where you can do a lot of good for the company, look for a job where the company will ALSO do a lot of good for you. And essentially: I now see I should've brought that philosophy to my love life as well. I should've have been looking for a man who will make me feel just as good as I want him to feel.

The other thing that hit me was when a friend asked me which male actors I was attracted to on TV. And I didn't have a good answer because... I sadly never thought that hard about it. I had again just been looking for guys for years who were attracted to me and needed me, and I hadn't really thought of guys I _myself_ needed. In reality: I don't even know what kind of specific guys I'm truly attracted to. But I obviously have a very important starting point now, and know to stay away from needy guys who just want pleasure.

It's also dawned on me to stop wishing for things to be better in the past. I have to essentially now admit to myself: the way I lost my virginity stunk, I can't take it back, and now: I need to focus on making my next relationship as an adult the best thing it can be. Not what it could've been, or what it would be like an ideal fantasy world. I now need to focus on the best thing I can obtain right here in the real world. So yeah... thank you for reading my story. If you read it all, your are indeed a kind person in my eyes, to take the time to read another person's personal words. And for those of you that complain this story wasn't hot or smutty enough, just know it wasn't meant to be your fun fantasy story this time. It wasn't a story. It was my life. The names were changed, but this was my life. My life story. And I want my life to be something amazing. I hope you make yours amazing too.

**THE END**


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